Often I find myself with a high heartbeat, sweaty palms and a looming danger over my head. This is mostly in response to something specific. Yet at the back of my brain, there is some excitement. Something wants to make me happy?
I am scared of a lot of things and fear has always intrigued me. Fear is definitely a great biological phenomenon that stops us from killing ourselves constantly but I also think fear makes us try stuff. Inbuilt into that chemical wiring is the drive to push through it.
For me, these fears are different from my anxiety and anxiety-induced panic attacks. For me, there are no thin lines that separate my anxiety from fear. Rather these are like clouds of different colours that overlap in some places. Sorry for the absurd similes.
Sidebar: There are different categories and types of anxieties. Here I am talking about my anxiety and it is what they call General Anxiety Disorder (GAD) mixed with a heaping tablespoon of Social Anxiety.
When I am scared, or rather when I fear something, my brain is not fogged up and I can point to what is making me scared. From this awareness comes a sliver of excitement. This is the one that hits me right before, even during, a presentation. This is the one that made me tell bad jokes in front of an audience. This is also what came up when I saw the movie ‘Hereditary’. That was a scary movie!
Whereas my anxiety on the other hand makes me all foggy up there. I don’t know exactly what my heart is warning me. The alarms are all going off and I don’t know why and where the snooze buttons are.
Sometimes, if you are unlucky, out of this state emerges the Big Bad Evil Guy. The one, the only Panic Attack.
I remember my first panic attack. Holy shit that was scary. I thought, any minute my heart was going to burst out of my chest and hit me in the brain with a hammer. My brain had also given up and even an ounce of effort into understanding what’s happening made at least ten neurones in my brain to fuck right off to another planet. Probably Uranus. Sorry.
Again; this is my mental differentiation of fear and anxiety. Probably there could be better words or specific terms to describe this difference. My brief internet research didn’t result in anything.
Back to fear. So I have established through hard-hitting facts, and definitely not just with my feelings, that ‘fear’ is a two-faced asshole. It thrills sometimes but most often it stops me from doing things as well on top of that it is still stuck in my cavemen era. I mean how do I tell my brain that going to a rave party at my college is not the same as wild forest fires or going into a meeting room to present my work is not the same as wandering into a dark cave that could be full of hungry wolves? Okay, maybe that one I can understand.
So, I was listening to some old episodes of Reply All one day, a podcast about internet stories, and they introduced this concept called ‘Exposure Therapy’.
The American Psychology Association says, “Exposure therapy is a psychological treatment that was developed to help people confront their fears. In this form of therapy, psychologists create a safe environment in which to “expose” individuals to the things they fear and avoid. The exposure to the feared objects, activities or situations in a safe environment helps reduce fear and decrease avoidance.”
There are several types and variations of the exposures. There is one that even uses VR (or as the kids like to call it these days, Virtual Reality).
What interested me more was the second aspect of it, the pace at which the fears are exposed.
APA says that psychologists can help in creating a fear hierarchy and determine the intensity and frequency of the exposure.
I will have a plate of the slow and gradual exposure, please.
When I look at everything I am trying to do. I see that I am already trying to do a version of this without even realising it. I have been trying to start things small, or rather tiny for that matter. Tiny blogs, tiny podcasts, tiny businesses, tiny social media and just tiny general living. An attempt at overcoming my fear of judgment. My fear of commitment. And most importantly, my fear of failure.
Now, would it be better if an expert, a psychologist, did this? Of course. Am I perpetually avoiding finding a new therapist? Also, yes.
This newsletter and all the rants into the pixelated void of the internet is an attempt at tiny exposures.
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